In fact, I was miserable after just a few months of teaching. The learning curve was obvious and difficult to get over. I didn't think it would get better or that I would see my family, friends. or college boyfriend much. I knew it wasn't going to be a cake walk but, It wasn't expecting what I experienced either.
I had been assigned to a school where the principal was known in the district to be stubborn and dismissive. I spent my first 2 and a half months in a kindergarten classroom getting the know the kids and their families. When it was time for my first parent teacher conference I was prepared with cookies, a sign in sheet, and a newsletter. Attendance was low in all the classrooms at Thelma Park Elementary. I had a total of 3 guardians and was blown away by the lack of involvement from ANYONE. These weren't stay-at-home parents who eagerly wanted to help and sign up for activities but rather full time guardians who were working multiple jobs.
The Kindergarten teacher in the classroom next to mine had never spent much time with me or in my classroom but sent misbehaving students to my classroom and told me to do the same. she told the principal that I couldn't handle my class and was doing a poor job. Womp Womp. That's what it felt like to be stabbed in the back. I could understand that partly because It was hard to keep control of one student was was climbing on the furniture, while another was telling the students listening to me on the carpet to misbehave with her and the list went on. Instead of being honest with me and telling me what I could improve on she thought it would be best to move me to second grade. I wasn't allowed to tell my students I was leaving them and the parents weren't informed until weeks later. To say they were angry with me wouldn't exactly do it justice. I got called names on the phone and four year olds would come up to me to tell me how their parents felt about me.
I spent a day moving to my new classroom and changing grade levels meant learning what the state requires of students by the end of the year. That is also how teachers are ranked in categories of GREAT, SATISFACTORY, and INSUFFICIENT. The next day, I walked into my second grade classroom and introduced myself to a class that had a substitute for two and a half months. Meanwhile, my Kinder classroom did not receive a qualified teacher for the rest of the year. These second graders that were not taught basic skills necessary for second grade would end up in third lost, confused, with behavior issues caused by a lack of attention, proper educational guidance, and malnutrition.
The malnutrition really struck a chord with me because of how well my mother fed my sister and I growing up. I will always remember the way my four and five year old students would sob if their parent brought them too late and didn't make it to breakfast. It dawned on me that maybe they didn't have dinner the night before either and breakfast might be their first meal after lunch the day before. It broke my heart. One teacher was smart enough to start a program where we sent home food with certain children and to hand them the food on Friday and see the excitement on their faces nearly brought tears to my eyes.
Back in second grade, I was assimilating to the classroom and my new 23 students. It was extremely tough not because most of the students couldn't read but also math was being ignored completely and the psychological issues they were struggling with. I decided to introduce them to as many things as I could fit in one day. They were constantly working, reading, or knocking the desks over. It didn't take long to figure out these children were living in broken homes or with parents who worked long hours into the night and other issues that caused them to develop anger and insecurity. Was I really expected to fix all of this and still help them pass into the 3rd grade? Frankly, I was ready to give up. Never will I forget the challenges we faced that first year. I was starting to lose faith in myself.
I never quit as much as I thought about it the many school days I would spend many days after school with the lights turned off crying in my chair alone. I knew whether or not you signed up with TFA, teaching was hard for most first year teachers but I like to think about the enormous hugs I received all day and how good it felt to watch a child improve. I didn't need to change all of their lives. Just one was enough.
People are free to think what they want but I am still happy with my decision. I know my students have taught me more than I taught them. I know they weren't dealing with easy situations at home and saw less love but still showed me more love than I had ever seen.
I won't go back to teaching in a low income school until I feel fully prepared to do everything those children deserve. It's true teachers don't make much, but I value serving those students more than making a hefty paycheck.
While I hated how most days we did not have AC and teachers would teach with sweat dripping down their backs. I didn't have the paycheck to buy all my students new supplies, but I did have chairs and desks. My students did have a teacher, a working brain, and a heart that was bigger than a pizza the size of the sun. They taught me to appreciate the small things and look for good in every situation and for that I am forever grateful.
